Last Tuesday (11/30) I began laying CG3E (cool trendy short hand of the title).
Work has been progressing nicely, and this is due to being a book designer by trade. More importantly it is due to my love of this game. Colonial Gothic has been a major part of my life, and has been with me longer than I have been with my wife (20 years this September). From the time it was a simple home brewed game I ran for friends; to the version living in the public for close to 10 years; Colonial Gothic is a part of me.
The game has had its ups and downs, and when I look at what came before, I am struck by a single thought: It survived.
It is no secret that the first edition of the game was, well, bad. It lacked much, and it suffered from having too many cooks. Hell, when it was released I really thought it was time to close up shop and leave this industry. When I revised the game, it began to be something I knew it could be, but still it lacked. Second Edition saw many improvements, and to be honest I thought I nailed it. At the time it was the game I thought it should be.
Then the cracks begun to show.
I thought I was just suffering from George Lucas Syndrome. A common condition among creative types having them take a work and constantly see the faults and deficiencies it has. This, then, leads them wanting to keep perfecting on the work so they can fix it.
I soon realized this was not the case. Thanks to my regular group of players, as well as others who run the game, areas of the game needing fixing were being pointed out. I resisted these fixes at first. Not because I did not see them myself. No, it was because I was stubborn.
My mind changed with the work I was doing on Shadow, Sword & Spell 2E. Working on that game, I was able to look at the rule set with a different eye. I tore it down and really rethought everything the rules do. I also looked at what they were not doing well.
Exactly when I decided to pull the trigger on CG3E, I cannot really tell. Yes, I brought the subject up with the Colonial Gothic Facebook Group. Yes, their reaction was important for me deciding to pull the trigger on CG3E. Still, I really think the decision was made earlier, and due to my stubborn nature, I ignored it.
CG3E is good.
That is strange for me to write because I hate everything I create. I am my own worst critic, and it is this harsh view on my work, that often causes me not to act. After all, if I feel my work is bad, then others think the same thing.
I realized -- thanks to the last 8 years of rebuilding my mental health -- this attitude is toxic for me. It was, and still it in some areas, placing barriers, self imposed ones at that, stopping me from being able to enjoy the process of creation.
That is the truth. I was not enjoying the creation process with anything I was doing. From my personal graphic design projects, to painting and writing, I did not enjoy it because I felt -- wrongly at that -- I sucked.
With 10 years approaching for Rogue Games I finally have found a inner peace within my creative soul. This inner peace has enabled me to enjoy creating, and has forced me to breakdown the toxic barriers stopping my creativity.
The fact that it took Colonial Gothic to make this happen does not surprise me.
It took the same journey I did, and we reached this point together. CG3E is me, and I am CG3E.